How I Found My Kink

I just moved the chips and there it was! No, wait..

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Thanks for all your good wishes, guys. We’re all back in the country now, and things should be continuing more or less as normal, which is to say, hardly behind schedule at all.

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False Starts

My first experiences with kink, as with many people, were at quite a young age, with a partner who was not as into the idea as I was. The first time I raised the idea was when I was 14, with my first girlfriend. I was too shy and not good enough at communicating to really express what I wanted and why, so I just mumbled something so incomprehensible that she didn’t even understand the words I had said, let alone what I was asking for. When she asked me to explain, I simply blushed furiously and said “nothing, nothing.” I regretted the incident for years, and was even convinced for a while that my asking was the reason she left me. (It wasn’t.)

Later, when I was 17, I got into a relationship with a girl with a very dominating personality, convinced (perhaps not fully consciously) that this would lead to the kind of play I wanted. Of course, with neither of us willing to acknowledge the dynamic, it just led to me being treated really badly for six months, until I eventually worked up the courage to leave. At this point in my life, I was not really able to acknowledge my own bisexuality, but she was big and strong and, when she wasn’t angry, sometimes made me feel safe and protected. (I wasn’t.)

Getting it

Eventually, at the ripe old age of 19, I started seeing a sweet young lass who was willing to give this whole ‘dominatrix’ thing a go, for my sake. I had realised that them as don’t ask, don’t get, and had been able to go through a whole conversation where we detailed the kinds of things I would like to try; bondage, CP, roleplay and the removal of choice. There is a lot to be said for trying things for the sake of your partner, and Star (as I shall call her here) was both very considerate, and good enough at communication that we could have a talk and a laugh about it afterwards. We were even able to discuss what we would each like to do differently the next time around, something which I have always found increases the enjoyment of play all round. Unfortunately, I had been through a terrible few years (between the ages of 15 and 17 I suffered very badly from mental health problems, which I shall not cover in this post) and wanted nothing so much as a submissive lifestyle dynamic in which to subsume myself. Star refused to give me this, and I cannot say that she was wrong to do so. Shortly after we broke up, I began seeing a lovely young man who was similarly inclined to try to play the way I wanted in order to please me, but due partially to a backlog of desire, and partially to my lack of experience and surfeit of enthusiasm, I ended up asking for too much, too fast, and without due care and consideration. By complete coincidence (that was irony, by the way) I shortly thereafter suffered a crisis of sexuality and fled. He dealt with the whole affair with remarkable aplomb.

How I Learned To Love My Dominant Side

During the first few weeks of university, which I attended a few years later than most due to the aforementioned period of ill health, I was dating a girl with whom I learned that I had a switchier aspect. In fact, spurred on by her encouragement, I discovered that I got just as much joy from domming as I did from subbing, and experienced for the first time the thrill of being trusted with somebody’s physical and psychological well-being. While the relationship did not last, the lessons I learned made a permanent impression, and while there have been times when I wilfully forgot them, or chose not to acknowledge that side of myself, I have not been the same since, and I remain thankful for that.

In some ways, it’s amazing how long it took me to catch on to the fact that I had a dominant side. The first erection I ever had was over a picture in Jill Murphy’s The Worst Witch, where the heroine is bound and gagged beneath her bed while a doppelgänger runs rampant. There were also several episodes of Wonder Woman and He-Man which made a distinct impression, much in the same way that Beano seems to have on so many of the spanking brigade, as discussed in the comments of a recent post. Thinking about it though, I was raised to think of men as ‘natural abusers’, and as such I suppose I wrote off my early leanings in that direction as a natural tendency towards wickedness, which needed to be overcome – just as so many people are raised to believe that the desire for sex is evil and must be suppressed. With that in mind, it’s no wonder it took me so long to get my young head untangled about it, or that following my initial revelations I backslid into submissiveness so hard.

The Freedom To Want

It was not until the year before last, when I started seeing Adele Haze, that my kink got let out of the box once and for all. As can be seen, looking back over her entries from the time, we began by playing with a one-way F/m dynamic which was so deep, and so intense that it almost edged into the lifestyle play which I had been looking for years previously. She took care of me, and nursed me through so many crises of confidence, identity and sexuality that I have quite simply lost count. Together, we explored a great many of the kinds of play I had been dreaming about for years. Without her love and support, I do not believe that I could have become as at home with both my sexuality and my kink as I am today, and I am certain that you would not be reading this now. Together, we discovered that we were not only comfortable switching within a single relationship, something that neither of us had really done before, but actually switching back and forth during a single scene, something which is as exciting as it is rare. We are continuing to learn and explore, and it still feels to me like the connection between us broadens and deepens with every new thing we try. We are actively polyamorous, and with the addition of Shona into our relationship as an equal partner we tapped a wealth of new possibilities and power dynamics, and even found a few new kinds of play to muck about with.

So, What Of It?

I would imagine that at least one of the scenarios and situations above seems familiar to you. While I feel now like I am both unashamedly kinky, and no longer feel as though I need to shelter behind an all consuming identity (Sub, Dom, Straight, Gay,) and I would not exchange the freedom of desire and unrestrictedness of communication I now have with my partners for all the world, I recognise that it was never something I could have had without going through the intermediary stages first. Even if I had been tipped straight into this relationship while I was still at school, I needed to have put in the years and years of hard work learning to talk, learning about myself, understanding why my kinks are as they are, before I could even understand the thing we have together, let alone participate in the building of it. Without the frustration of not being able to talk, there could not be the relief (and release) of free and open communication. Without losing a couple of relationships to embarrassment and shame, I could never have come to understand why they are so worth fighting against, and without going to far into any of the aspects of myself, could I learn how far I wanted to go.